Everybody's perfect now I guess...
Well. I guess my advice travels fast and far because no one has voiced any queries to me for quite some time, despite my REPEATED requests for your stupid problems. Glad you are all so fucking well-adjusted. I, on the other hand, am maladjusted, self-conscious, and insecure. Obviously there is no one better than me at giving advice, so in order to be a more fulfilled and complete person [read: in order to have content to fill this blog and keep writing so you bitches talk about how awesome I am among yourselves at every fucking opportunity] I am going to just write advice to myself.
Dear SHS;
Your blog is awesome and it helps me live my life as a more fulfilled and complete person. Thanks for writing and caring so much about our lives. I have submitted probably 567 requests for consideration for your beatification I am waiting to hear back. I have some questions about sex and dating. I just moved to New York City and want to go on some dates. I have a profile on OkCupid, but I only seem to attract weirdos and likely date rapists. What gives?
Yours truly,
Why only weirdos?
WOW,
Listen bitch, you need to chill the fuck out. Why are you trying to sit on some asshole's face before even figuring out how to get home from work? For real, you need to get your shit together. Your problem is that these weirdos on OkCupid can smell the desperation on you and jump on that train like a fucking hobo in hopes of having a soup kitchen in the alley behind your apartment. So stop it. Here is the proof that I took from our OkCupid treasure-trove of an inbox:
Hey babe! So what childhood traumas driven u to online dating? Lol j/k just thought u were sexy and wanted to say hi
Match Message from cudlebutt
My understanding here is that he thinks you are both traumatized and sexy. The only time these guys get a chance at play is on "To Catch a Predator" so obviously they are going to try and get at you when there is minimal risk of Chris Hansen jumping out of the closet.
Hi........, I do apologize for not writing your name, But it is not exist in your profile.
Some how your pic. got my attention and stopped me by your profile. Usually i don't read the whole profiles cause it makes me feel bored, But i did enjoy reading every single word in yours.
Believe or not, There is a magic in your picture attracted me so much, Maybe your hot sexy eyes, hair, Smile, Honestly I'm not sure ( I am not that easy to be attracted ), Which made me write this message to you.
I would like to meet you in person and see where it will take us to, I know most of people like to drink red wine but i still like dry white wine even in winter time ( I love the taste ).
If would you like to join me for a drink and enjoy each other company, Please don't hesitate to send message to me.
You Know what, I believe it is your eyes, It is irresistible
Regards,
[username redacted for fear of being hunted down by Lithuanian mafia]
Aside from the obvious draw of his complete honesty in admitting his counterculture proclivity for white wine EVEN in the wintertime, his profile states, "I am in love for DD breast size" in the "Most private thing I am willing to admit" section.
Look I am bored - want to grab a drink? Sent from the OkCupid app
Message from swamp_donkeytron
Good to know that only desperation born of boredom will persuade this gem to tap out a hyphen to half-assedly request my presence for a public display of "I can do better when I am trying."
Blessed-love-empress-love-the-look-very-elegant-plus-the-profile-easy-to-follow-lol.............i'm-very-liberal-myself.................-my-space-bar-don't-work-hence-the-dashes.........my-name-is-Best-I'm-from-the-caribbean......Trinidad-to-be-exact-got-long-dreads-plus-have-a-wonderful-smile-to-show.........I'm-vegetarian-and-a-kick-ass-cook-can-whip-up-anything-my-mind-thinks-up.............I-also-write-and-sing-reggae/dancehall-music-.........I-can-have-you-smiling-all-night-so-I-will-like-to-chat-and-see-what-happens-what-do-you-think???........I'm-an-air-condition-tech-as-well-pursuing-my-studies-to-become-a-Personal-Trainer.......and-by-the-way-I-think-my-accent-is-very-exotic-I-will-love-too-cook-you-up-something-vegetarian-or-have-a-cook-off................-and-see-where-the-night-or-evening-takes-us.......or-a-couple-of-drinks-during-dinner-or-after..............I-also-we-are-69%-MATCH ............I-absolutely-love-the-hair-in-each-picture..........................hope-you-reply-blessed-empress"rastafari-greeting"..........we-can-chat-if-you-like!! ..............I'm-down-with-meeting-you...............so-we-can-get-to-know-about-each-other-over-a-glass-of-wine-or-bourbon-.....................-how-about-it-after-we-meet-what-do-you-say???...............I'm-fun-I'm-sure-you-are-can-tell-from-the-smile ..............so-lets-give-it-a-shot..............send-me-a-reply well-I'm-caribbean-so-I-don't-take-life-to-seriously.....I'm-a-good-listener-and-I-would-love-to-meet-you.......you-won't-stop-laughing-around-me-try-me....................so-send-me-a-line.....we-will-hit-it-off-trust-me-and-I-got-a-new-type-of-food-for-you-to-try-from-my-country-Trinidadian-dish..............and-I'm-like-you-I-definitely-like-to-meet-up-and-get-to-know-each-other-over-some-drinks.......trust-me-we-will-have-fun P.S.-again-I-can-and-love-to-cook ........I'm-caribbean-I-love-full-figure-curvy-women
This guy may have been worth at least a reply, until the very last line. "I'm Caribbean I love full figure curvy women [read: hey fatty, I won't reject you because you are not thin like all the hot ladies here in NYC, I am CARIBBEAN]." Preceded by "I love to cook [read: I will feed you and not judge you for eating seconds because girl, it looks like you ALWAYS eat seconds]." He mentions cooking, dinner, and food seven times in his message. Oh, and we are 69% match? Master of subtlety.
So, get your career and life together ho, and maybe meet a nice boy at the farmer's market or some shit. Next year.
You're welcome.
Dear SHS;
Your blog is awesome and it helps me live my life as a more fulfilled and complete person. Thanks for writing and caring so much about our lives. I have submitted probably 567 requests for consideration for your beatification I am waiting to hear back. I have some questions about sex and dating. I just moved to New York City and want to go on some dates. I have a profile on OkCupid, but I only seem to attract weirdos and likely date rapists. What gives?
Yours truly,
Why only weirdos?
WOW,
Listen bitch, you need to chill the fuck out. Why are you trying to sit on some asshole's face before even figuring out how to get home from work? For real, you need to get your shit together. Your problem is that these weirdos on OkCupid can smell the desperation on you and jump on that train like a fucking hobo in hopes of having a soup kitchen in the alley behind your apartment. So stop it. Here is the proof that I took from our OkCupid treasure-trove of an inbox:
Hey babe! So what childhood traumas driven u to online dating? Lol j/k just thought u were sexy and wanted to say hi
Match Message from cudlebutt
My understanding here is that he thinks you are both traumatized and sexy. The only time these guys get a chance at play is on "To Catch a Predator" so obviously they are going to try and get at you when there is minimal risk of Chris Hansen jumping out of the closet.
Hi........, I do apologize for not writing your name, But it is not exist in your profile.
Some how your pic. got my attention and stopped me by your profile. Usually i don't read the whole profiles cause it makes me feel bored, But i did enjoy reading every single word in yours.
Believe or not, There is a magic in your picture attracted me so much, Maybe your hot sexy eyes, hair, Smile, Honestly I'm not sure ( I am not that easy to be attracted ), Which made me write this message to you.
I would like to meet you in person and see where it will take us to, I know most of people like to drink red wine but i still like dry white wine even in winter time ( I love the taste ).
If would you like to join me for a drink and enjoy each other company, Please don't hesitate to send message to me.
You Know what, I believe it is your eyes, It is irresistible
Regards,
[username redacted for fear of being hunted down by Lithuanian mafia]
Aside from the obvious draw of his complete honesty in admitting his counterculture proclivity for white wine EVEN in the wintertime, his profile states, "I am in love for DD breast size" in the "Most private thing I am willing to admit" section.
Look I am bored - want to grab a drink? Sent from the OkCupid app
Message from swamp_donkeytron
Good to know that only desperation born of boredom will persuade this gem to tap out a hyphen to half-assedly request my presence for a public display of "I can do better when I am trying."
Blessed-love-empress-love-the-look-very-elegant-plus-the-profile-easy-to-follow-lol.............i'm-very-liberal-myself.................-my-space-bar-don't-work-hence-the-dashes.........my-name-is-Best-I'm-from-the-caribbean......Trinidad-to-be-exact-got-long-dreads-plus-have-a-wonderful-smile-to-show.........I'm-vegetarian-and-a-kick-ass-cook-can-whip-up-anything-my-mind-thinks-up.............I-also-write-and-sing-reggae/dancehall-music-.........I-can-have-you-smiling-all-night-so-I-will-like-to-chat-and-see-what-happens-what-do-you-think???........I'm-an-air-condition-tech-as-well-pursuing-my-studies-to-become-a-Personal-Trainer.......and-by-the-way-I-think-my-accent-is-very-exotic-I-will-love-too-cook-you-up-something-vegetarian-or-have-a-cook-off................-and-see-where-the-night-or-evening-takes-us.......or-a-couple-of-drinks-during-dinner-or-after..............I-also-we-are-69%-MATCH ............I-absolutely-love-the-hair-in-each-picture..........................hope-you-reply-blessed-empress"rastafari-greeting"..........we-can-chat-if-you-like!! ..............I'm-down-with-meeting-you...............so-we-can-get-to-know-about-each-other-over-a-glass-of-wine-or-bourbon-.....................-how-about-it-after-we-meet-what-do-you-say???...............I'm-fun-I'm-sure-you-are-can-tell-from-the-smile ..............so-lets-give-it-a-shot..............send-me-a-reply well-I'm-caribbean-so-I-don't-take-life-to-seriously.....I'm-a-good-listener-and-I-would-love-to-meet-you.......you-won't-stop-laughing-around-me-try-me....................so-send-me-a-line.....we-will-hit-it-off-trust-me-and-I-got-a-new-type-of-food-for-you-to-try-from-my-country-Trinidadian-dish..............and-I'm-like-you-I-definitely-like-to-meet-up-and-get-to-know-each-other-over-some-drinks.......trust-me-we-will-have-fun P.S.-again-I-can-and-love-to-cook ........I'm-caribbean-I-love-full-figure-curvy-women
This guy may have been worth at least a reply, until the very last line. "I'm Caribbean I love full figure curvy women [read: hey fatty, I won't reject you because you are not thin like all the hot ladies here in NYC, I am CARIBBEAN]." Preceded by "I love to cook [read: I will feed you and not judge you for eating seconds because girl, it looks like you ALWAYS eat seconds]." He mentions cooking, dinner, and food seven times in his message. Oh, and we are 69% match? Master of subtlety.
So, get your career and life together ho, and maybe meet a nice boy at the farmer's market or some shit. Next year.
You're welcome.
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