Let's skip the sex and just get to the part where we hate each other.
I have been on a dating/man/physical contact hiatus for the past 3 months and it has been AWESOME. Not only have I been more focused and productive in work/life, but I actually feel better about myself. Giving zero fucks about what dudes think about me has led me to this newfound freedom where I only answer and am accountable to myself.
Plausible scenario:
"Hey self, should we eat these chips?"
"FUCK YES WE SHOULD."
Actually happened:
"Hey self, is it weird if I eat carrots and hummus while standing over the sink at work because I am too lazy to bring my snackies upstairs?"
"Do we care what any of the assholes in here think?"
"Nope."
"Get your snack on."
All this not spending time with dudes has got me thinking a lot about how we interact as couples (or trifectas or whatever you hippie polygamous weirdos) and how we meet, aggressively assess, and categorize one another only to find that our initial shallow evaluations have been totally incorrect. Especially with all the online dating, tindering, grindring, snapchatting, and other self-obsessed social mediums out there. We have a unique opportunity to sell ourselves to people before ever meeting them, and bitches are EXCELLENT salespeople. For real. If some of the dudes I have met from the internetlands put HALF as much energy into finding a job or flossing as they do into making it LOOK like they have a job and floss on the regs assholes would not be tapping out my half of the bill on the calculator on his cracked-screen iphone 3. "What's 20% of 7:39?" "Around $1.40, but you are definitely in the alarm clock app and not the calculator bro." F THAT NOISE. We spend so much time and money primping and polishing and waxing and adjusting our fart filtering underwear only to find that after three weeks of intense effort aimed at not letting on what a dirtbag you are the other person is even worse than you.
I am going to start a dating website that is honest about all of our faults and quirks and weird habits right away, so we can see the most awkward, ugly, and embarrassing things about one another immediately and decide, "Nope. Crazytits," or, "Hmm. Peeing in the shower every so often isn't all THAT bad." My special dating algorithm would weigh the gross things about people on a scale of 1 to 99 and you can match their grossness level with yours. This is what mine would look like:
Faults, shortcomings, inexcusable weird habits:
I hate dark chocolate. I am totally into milk and even - gasp - white chocolate. If I ever told you I liked dark chocolate I LIED . If ever you heard me say "Yeah, dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate" it's because Oprah fucking told me so, and I didn't want you to know what a fat-and-sugar-loving fatty I am.
I also hate yoga. I hate people who do yoga and feel a sense of yoga related superiority. I hate when those people try to tell me all the great benefits of doing yoga and drinking green juices and composting at home while resting comfortably in plank position. I have done yoga for extended periods of time. I do not like it.
Fat.
I tell dumb lies and then feel bad about them and eventually come clean and it makes me look unstable. Once I lied when a hot dude asked me if I brushed my teeth in little circles or if I brushed back and forth. I told him little circles because I wanted him to think that I put a lot of thought and effort into my dental hygiene, but I totally brush back and forth. I told him the truth a year later. He thought it was weird.
I am 27 and I do not have my life together. I do not have a credit card because my credit is so bad. I moved to an insanely expensive city to chase a dream that I am not very actively pursuing. Many of my friends are married, have children, mortgages, and some kind of recreational watercraft. I have the cheapest bedroom set from IKEA and student loan debt that I have not even begun to tackle.
I secretly want to be famous. For acting.
I bite the insides of my mouth when I get anxious. When the countdown begins on the crosswalk I have to walk in cadence with it and count along under my breath. I often spell words in my head before writing them, like a weird drumbeat (d-r-u-m-b-e-a-t). I am afraid of the dark. I am squeamish about centipedes, roaches, and spiders. Puke grosses me out. If you are actively vomiting and I am your only hope for survival I will abandon you.
I am self-absorbed and self-centered. I worry I have Aspberger's because I sometimes cannot.empathize. with what people are telling me because I have something I want to say and I just want them to be done talking so I can say my things. I KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU BUT I SAW A TRAIL OF PIZZA ON LORIMER STREET FOR 3 BLOCKS. LULZ. I am also a hypochondriac.
My body is broken. I get sick ALL the time. My intestines don't work and the accompanying pain makes me crabby a lot. I also get bloated and farty (see above: fart filtering underpants) with an alarming frequency. I have coarse hairs that are peppered about my neck and chin that I spend HOURS in natural sunlight trying to tweeze.
I am fiercely protective of the people I love and will not think twice about killing you if you hurt them.
I hold guys to a very high standard and am uncompromising about them.
So who wants to go on a date???
Plausible scenario:
"Hey self, should we eat these chips?"
"FUCK YES WE SHOULD."
Actually happened:
"Hey self, is it weird if I eat carrots and hummus while standing over the sink at work because I am too lazy to bring my snackies upstairs?"
"Do we care what any of the assholes in here think?"
"Nope."
"Get your snack on."
All this not spending time with dudes has got me thinking a lot about how we interact as couples (or trifectas or whatever you hippie polygamous weirdos) and how we meet, aggressively assess, and categorize one another only to find that our initial shallow evaluations have been totally incorrect. Especially with all the online dating, tindering, grindring, snapchatting, and other self-obsessed social mediums out there. We have a unique opportunity to sell ourselves to people before ever meeting them, and bitches are EXCELLENT salespeople. For real. If some of the dudes I have met from the internetlands put HALF as much energy into finding a job or flossing as they do into making it LOOK like they have a job and floss on the regs assholes would not be tapping out my half of the bill on the calculator on his cracked-screen iphone 3. "What's 20% of 7:39?" "Around $1.40, but you are definitely in the alarm clock app and not the calculator bro." F THAT NOISE. We spend so much time and money primping and polishing and waxing and adjusting our fart filtering underwear only to find that after three weeks of intense effort aimed at not letting on what a dirtbag you are the other person is even worse than you.
I am going to start a dating website that is honest about all of our faults and quirks and weird habits right away, so we can see the most awkward, ugly, and embarrassing things about one another immediately and decide, "Nope. Crazytits," or, "Hmm. Peeing in the shower every so often isn't all THAT bad." My special dating algorithm would weigh the gross things about people on a scale of 1 to 99 and you can match their grossness level with yours. This is what mine would look like:
Faults, shortcomings, inexcusable weird habits:
I hate dark chocolate. I am totally into milk and even - gasp - white chocolate. If I ever told you I liked dark chocolate I LIED . If ever you heard me say "Yeah, dark chocolate is better than milk chocolate" it's because Oprah fucking told me so, and I didn't want you to know what a fat-and-sugar-loving fatty I am.
I also hate yoga. I hate people who do yoga and feel a sense of yoga related superiority. I hate when those people try to tell me all the great benefits of doing yoga and drinking green juices and composting at home while resting comfortably in plank position. I have done yoga for extended periods of time. I do not like it.
Fat.
I tell dumb lies and then feel bad about them and eventually come clean and it makes me look unstable. Once I lied when a hot dude asked me if I brushed my teeth in little circles or if I brushed back and forth. I told him little circles because I wanted him to think that I put a lot of thought and effort into my dental hygiene, but I totally brush back and forth. I told him the truth a year later. He thought it was weird.
I am 27 and I do not have my life together. I do not have a credit card because my credit is so bad. I moved to an insanely expensive city to chase a dream that I am not very actively pursuing. Many of my friends are married, have children, mortgages, and some kind of recreational watercraft. I have the cheapest bedroom set from IKEA and student loan debt that I have not even begun to tackle.
I secretly want to be famous. For acting.
I bite the insides of my mouth when I get anxious. When the countdown begins on the crosswalk I have to walk in cadence with it and count along under my breath. I often spell words in my head before writing them, like a weird drumbeat (d-r-u-m-b-e-a-t). I am afraid of the dark. I am squeamish about centipedes, roaches, and spiders. Puke grosses me out. If you are actively vomiting and I am your only hope for survival I will abandon you.
I am self-absorbed and self-centered. I worry I have Aspberger's because I sometimes cannot.empathize. with what people are telling me because I have something I want to say and I just want them to be done talking so I can say my things. I KNOW YOUR BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH YOU BUT I SAW A TRAIL OF PIZZA ON LORIMER STREET FOR 3 BLOCKS. LULZ. I am also a hypochondriac.
My body is broken. I get sick ALL the time. My intestines don't work and the accompanying pain makes me crabby a lot. I also get bloated and farty (see above: fart filtering underpants) with an alarming frequency. I have coarse hairs that are peppered about my neck and chin that I spend HOURS in natural sunlight trying to tweeze.
I am fiercely protective of the people I love and will not think twice about killing you if you hurt them.
I hold guys to a very high standard and am uncompromising about them.
So who wants to go on a date???
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